An Open Letter To My Fellow Straphangers

Some advice if I may. When entering the subway stand a little to the side of the door. This way I don't have to shove you out of my way when I'm trying to leave and you might then actually get the seat you're gunning for. Once on the subway don't instantly stop. I realize you are a solipsist and thus care nothing for others, but even people who are part of your dream still need to get to where they are going (why? it's your dream, you tell me).

You don't actually have to stand right by the door. In the decades I've been riding the subway I've never even heard of a person--who knew their stop was coming up--who couldn't get out of the car in time, regardless how packed it was. Trust me, we want you to leave.

If you can't stand the idea of not being by the door, learn to turn your body three inches to the side as it will make a world of difference for the flow of traffic. Just three inches. I know you can do it.

When you sit, please put your knees together. Your balls aren't that swollen.

Let it slide when that person slightly nudges you in order to sit down next to you. If etiquette were really that important to you you wouldn't be spread out like a slob to begin with.

I hope this helps you with your commute. If you find these ideas too difficult to follow, try jumping directly in front of the train.