Campaign Volunteer Faces Charges in Attack Hoax

Salem Center (MUXA) ― A campaign worker who claimed he was the victim of a politically-motivated attack in which he was beaten, kicked and cut, now admits that he made the whole story up.

According to Middle East Side police spokeswoman Trish Tilby, Lucas Bishop, 31, told investigators today that he "was not robbed and there was no 5'7" Homo sapiens politician attacker."

Bishop initially told police that he was robbed at an ATM in Mutant Town Wednesday night and that the suspect began beating him after seeing a Barack Obama bumper sticker on his car.

Bishop claimed that the mugger even cut a backwards letter "M" in his cheek.

But today investigators say Bishop confessed that the attack never happened.

At a news conference this afternoon, officials said they believe that Bishop's injuries were self-inflicted.

Police investigating the report said Bishop's story began to unravel early on and they administered a polygraph test.

Investigators asked Bishop to return to the police station today for more questioning and to help them release a composite sketch of the suspect.

When he did, police say he admitted that he made the whole thing up and that it snowballed out of control.

Bishop told investigators today that he "just wanted to tell the truth" – adding that he was neither robbed, nor attacked.

"He indicated that he has prior mental problems and that he does not remember how the backward letter M got on his face," Tilby told reporters today.

Bishop told police that while he did not remember how the backward "M" got on his face, he may have done it himself since he was the only one in the car.

According to police, Bishop said he thought of John McCain when he saw the "M" in her rearview mirror.

Meanwhile, police and residents of Mutant Town say they had suspicions from the beginning about the validity of Bishop's tale.

"Something seemed a little strange about the story to begin with," said Henry Gyrich.

"I think it's a shame," said Monet St. Croix. "He made Mutant Town out to be like an unsafe neighborhood."

"I don't know, McCain is down in the polls, maybe this is a boost to get him up a little bit," said Bob Harras. "I don't know, maybe [Bishop] had some personal problems or something."

Police say there's no indication that anyone else was involved in bogus robbery and assault incident involving Bishop.

Bishop is now facing charge for filing a false police report.

He is spending the weekend behind bars awaiting a psychiatric evaluation on Monday.


Inspired by this article, Campaign Volunteer Faces Charges in Attack Hoax, with thanks to Constant Siege and this post.

And now I go on some sort of weird rant, unsure of the implications and even my own meaning with the substitutions made above.

Species First / Timeline First

In the recent X-Men storyline, Messiah Complex, Lucas Bishop essentially goes crazy, because it seems his future can't exist now that this baby mutant has been born:

Yet there are several other characters from alternate timelines, Re: Exiles, and Phoenix II, and Bishop hasn't poofed out of existence because of them. So WTF Marvel? Now he's worried about alternate timelines screwing up his past/future? How many times has he gone reality and timeline jumping and maintained some semblance of sanity? One straw too many, after straws named Age of Apocalypse, Onslaught, and House of M?

What is with this weak plotting? This unorganic metamorphosis of characters? It's not that I fear change. Change is one of the basis of X-Men (only sort of, since corporate-owned characters almost always return to some kind of anti-evolutionary status quo). This was simply bad storytelling based on a poor plot as far as I can discern. Another Marvel/DC corporate machine attempt to use an entire three month crossover as a vehicle, sans conclusive ending, for a line revamping? Where is the resolution? Where is the denouement? You mean this is only a lead into thirteen different storylines that will cost more money, time, and interest than I have in order to follow? Fuck that. Xavier is shot point blank, yet I read that he lives? The X-Men are moving to San Francisco? I'll eventually read this, but I hate trudging through shit, especially when I pay for it.

I love a good cliffhanger as much as the next entertainment junkie, but this ending is like the crew said "fuck all." I won't mention to shite anime inspired Ramos and Bachalo art that doesn't fit such a serious story, nor does it mesh with the other two artists on the series, whose names do not stand out in memory (I guess Ramos and Bachalo win name recognition). Whoops! Whoops again.

Bad job, editors. Andy Schmidt (please tell me this story was executed was when he was leaving Marvel, or after he left) said that an editor's job is to find an artist with a style to fit the writer's story (and I hope I am not misquoting-Let me email him). So what is this bullshit "cartoony" art? Shit. Jim Lee and Alex Ross could have rendered this storyline and it would still fail in so many ways, but at least the visuals would be comprehensible and apropos.

Perhaps a person can only really love X-Men when they're about 13-years-old. I still claim to love X-Men, even when the storylines are crap. Of course, "crap" is a matter of opinion, but hey, I miss you, 1992, 1993, and 1994, the years some have said were mastabatory mutant tripe.

Back to the rant at hand: In Messiah Complex, Bishop, formerly one of the X-Men's own members, goes apeshit and attempts to kill the first mutant baby born in years. This baby represents the future, hope, change. That is, alternatives to a dismal future Bishop came from. Is this white Alaskan baby going to destroy Bishop's future? Not if he has any fucking thing to say about it (and some baby blasting bullets).

Bishop came to the past willing to give his life for Professor Charles Xavier (who is likened to MLK), then fought to protect Senator Robert Kelly in the "Dream's End" story. Ironically, Kelly is assassinated by one of his former supporters who feels betrayed by Kelly's new open stance on mutants (Does this remind anyone of recent video of McCain worshippers?). What is with all the heroics and then this turn to shooting Xavier in the fucking face? I began writing this post to make fun of the McPalin followers and their crazy antics and end up screaming about Marvel editors?

What is going on? What is the bottom line? Mutants first? The future first? A godawful American future first?

Did Marvel know McCain would choose Palin almost a year in advance? Am I pulling shit out of my ass with this critique and semi-analysis?

Needless to say, I've scarcely touched an X-related comic since Messiah Complex, though I hear things about Cable and await Ellis' Astonishing trade. Perhaps the answers to the "Bishop problem" have been addressed since my absence. Then again, he's probably crazier than ever.

Back to reality, as it were...and the future, as it may be

Maybe the McPalin camp can use this last image somewhat out of context when VP Palin attempts to become the next Frederic Wertham:

"African American comic book 'hero' holds white baby at gunpoint. White Alaskan baby. Let's burn 'em. The comics, I mean, dontcha know."

My response:

"VP Palin. You mean, African American comic book hero from a future molded by intolerance and hatred of those not fitting the American norm. Is it any wonder he resorts to violence first, given the social and economic circumstances in which he was forced to grow up too soon. How can we expect anything but what has come, because of the treatment of the underclasses, these untouchables? A boy in a ghetto grows into a man who becomes and officer of the law and sees his position as one in which he retains moral authority over others in his attempts to 'enforce the law,' using any means necessary, and in the end abuses his power for personal reasons."

At least Bishop thinks he's saving his own life and a future for millions who might not be born if he doesn't undertake this mission. Oh wait, McPalin believes this as well.

Conclusiony thing / Afterword

I get it now. This "mutant" baby is no typical comic book x-gene mutant. It's the product of Palin insisting that a victim of incest have the baby. Silly X-Men.

1:30 am. Three hours after I've put fingers to keyboard. Not a good time to eat for so many reasons.

Have heartburn now. My new mutant power. Let me see if I can find a mutant who produces calcium carbonate from her breasts to neutralize my stomach acid.

Questions, comments, hatreds? Should this Messiah Rant become a separate blog post merely linked to the "'Crazy' Political Supporter" post?


Why can't someone pay me to read, think, and write, so I can teach a little more part-time than the so-called part-time ten hours in the writing center, ten plus classroom hours, and countless work-outside-the classroom hours? Why?

Offer me a job, please. Will write for food, freedom, and some monies to pay off eternal student loans.

I feel 'junct.