Let's Level About Daredevil

Happy (Early) Birthday, John! You must not show this comic to your children. And it's probably best to leave the wife out, too.

click on image to see the full disgrace
Let's face it: you have to be a special kind of crazy to choose Daredevil as your role model. DD started as the poor man's Spider-man, except they stripped him of superpowers, they stripped him of his sight, and they stripped him of any fashion sense. And if that weren't enough, they went and made his alter ego, Matt Murdock, a member of that most respected of professions: a lawer. Is it any wonder that everyone in the Marvel Universe took a turn at beating the crap out of him? Just take a look at some of the covers in Daredevil's illustrious publication history. Do you see what I see? On the covers of his own magazine, DD is getting his clocked cleaned about 50% of the time.
Again...
...and again...

...and again...

...and again...

...and again...

Do you understand what that means? That means seeing DD get pummelled is a selling point. People read Daredevil comics because they like beating up on the cripple---it makes them feel good. And not just bad guys, the good guys do it, too! The Submariner came all the way from freaking Atlantis to put the hurt on DD. It made no sense, but it was a great smackdown.

Even at Daredevil's high point, under the artistic direction of cool-kid Frank Miller, the humiliation continued:

Miller gave Daredevil a girlfriend who kicked his ass. (Okay, I guess we've all been there, but still...)

DD's whipping-boy status doesn't just rest on his obvious shortcomings, but also for his lesser known foibles. Let's look at some of the features that make him a complete joke:

  • Daredevil's main weapon is a cane. That's right: a cane.
  • Like Batman, DD once carried a full arsenal. And what did his weaponry include? Was it Daredevil bombs? Was it Daredevil armor? DD-arangs? Nope. A microphone and a roll of aluminum foil (hidden in his cane, naturally).
  • Daredevil---a blind superhero---has a major villain named "Purple Man." Think about it for a minute:

Cop: There he is, Daredevil! The purple one! DD: Got him! Cop: Dude, I said the purple one. DD: But, but...

  • His alter-ego, Matt Murdock, once went into hiding by "disguising" himself as his fictitious twin brother. And people say Clark Kent's glasses are dumb.
  • You can't hide from Daredevil, because he can...um...smell you all the way across town.
  • Daredevil once teamed up with world-famous spoon-bender Uri Geller.
  • And in case those tidbits don't convince you, Daredevil was played on the silver screen by none other than Ben Affleck.

Like I said: complete joke.

And anyone who'd choose DD as their hero, well they'd have to be a complete joke too, right?

But here's the thing. Yeah DD gets the crap beaten out of him again and again; but he shows up for the fight. He shows up for every damn one of them. And yeah, he'll fall down if you hit him with a 2 x 4. And yeah, he'll spend a month or two in the hospital as a result. But he'll come back and punch your ass through a window, you illiterate piece of shit.

So yeah, DD is a complete joke with no sight, no dignity, and no respect.

But that just means DD ain't got nothing left to lose. And a man with nothing to lose? That's a man without fear.

And, brother, those are the baddest motherfuckers of them all.

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Happy Birthday, John! -------------------------------------------------
*Daredevil is the property of an evil, souless corporation that doesn't have 1/10th the love for the character that I do. Nevertheless, they do OWN the property, not me---in case that was in any way unclear. This parody falls under fair use. And even if I were to make any money on this obvious forgery, which I emphatically will not, it would all just go to buy more Marvel Comics, Inc.-Brand funnybooks anyway. So there.